Freebies? Are You Kidding?
Honey? Should my new toothbrush make my teeth smoke?
Remember freebies? I’ll bet you do. They were great, weren’t they? They created loyalty, excitement, and just a little bit of alcoholism.
Not anymore though. Getting a freebie from a business these days is like trying to catch a fart in a strainer – it’s just not gonna happen.
Back in the good old days, like, 2002, I could walk into every second bar and be greeted by a smiling, beady eyed manager who would ply me full of free booze. Read the rest of this entry »
Say Goodbye to the Nightly Guilt Train
"You're a shit person. A shit shit shitty shit shitty shit person!"
So, my T.V. broke a few weeks back. I know, right?! But please, calm down. No seriously, you can calm down. Stop running around your living room – or toilet or wherever, how do I know where you read stuff on your computer?! – with your arms up in the air and screaming at the absolute horror. Wow. Ok. You really are upset. Jesus Christ, CALM DOWN! It’s gonna be alright.
At the time of it actually breaking I simply stayed sitting on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the black screen for a while, hoping the team from NCIS would suddenly just reappear. They didn’t. I tried turning it off, then on, then on and off at the wall, then shook the remote and tried it all again. And that’s it. That’s all I had. I’m the first to admit the technology in my house may as well be run by magic, or tiny sexy fairies, because other than pushing a button to make it go I have absolutely no concept of how something like a television works. In the end I had to face the fact that it was indeed broken, and also that I’d never get to see who killed the latest unlucky Marine.
The thing is, the next day I didn’t race out and buy the first moving screen thingy I could find, and I still haven’t. Now three weeks on I’m starting to notice a few changes in my life. Big changes. Emotional changes. Read the rest of this entry »
Men Are Stupid
I wanna be a caveman - they get to wear sexy dresses.
Men are stupid. Yeah, I’ve heard that sentiment before. And most of the time I’d have to agree. However in saying that, I don’t blame anyone for thinking it. Much of our behaviour can come across as childish in an I-like-to-hit-things-with-my-caveman-club kind of way.
Over the last week I’ve had two questions posed to me as being the somewhat (and somehow, I’m not sure how it happened) unreliable spokesperson of the male gender. The first being – ‘What is it with men and jets?’ and the second being – ‘What is it with men and ribs?’
The first question comes in context from my city’s (yes, mine. I own it) River Fire Spectacular. Read the rest of this entry »
Sudden Fame and Photos of Your Junk
'You aint seen nothing yet, Queeny'.
It’s all over the news today that Kate Middleton’s sister, Pippa, went topless during a holiday with Kate and Will in Ibiza five years ago. There just happened to be a few (probably thousand) photographers floating around nearby to take some happy snaps.
There’s a few glaring questions; like why the hell didn’t she contemplate the amount of paps obviously around (duh), and is it actually cool to get your norgs out in front of your sister’s boyfriend? But there’s also another issue:
How do you plan for sudden fame? Read the rest of this entry »
Pink Jobs, Blue Jobs
'My old enemy, we meet again.'
It’s safe to say society has changed since the middle ages. We have running water, garbage trucks, and the ability to check Facebook from the comfort of our own beds. The days of brushing our teeth with charcoal and having to marry the first person we accidentally knock-up, or get knocked-up by, are way behind us. Read the rest of this entry »
I Think I Hear My Youth Screaming Goodbye
'Hey, I've got your enthusiasm right here.'
We’re all getting older.
You’re now older than you were since you just read that line. Now you’re even older again. It’s unavoidable. Like a hangover, or farting in bed.
I mean, we all know we’re on a constantly ticking journey towards a tearful eulogy and eager relatives at our will reading, but there are some parts of growing older that seem to sneak up on you. You turn around and suddenly bam! Father time has kicked you in the balls and stolen a few things that you once held closely and dearly to your younger, more enthusiastic self. Read the rest of this entry »
Holiday in Hell: You Won’t Want to Leave
You should totally check out my specials on Wotif!
For my next holiday I’m going to hell.
No seriously, I am. With all the so called ‘bad’ behaviour increasingly getting hoovered out of our lives via constant public service announcements and thousands of years worth of God praising, I reckon we need a bit of time off to suck up the sulphur fumes of Lucifer’s chalky farts and let the good times roll.
It won’t be good for us – but shit it’ll be fun.
It seems more and more people are deciding to not only take a relaxing holiday, but are also deciding to tell their holier-than-thou everyday life to get the hell out of their face for a while. Read the rest of this entry »
We’re Two Steps Away From Crazy
Jump for crazy.
Sometimes I believe I’m two steps away from wearing a garbage bag for a shirt and yelling at cars.
The more I look around my sweaty, nudging, city the more I realise we’re all only two steps away from crazy. Every block or so I’ll see someone executing behaviour that makes me pause, and say why, for Jesus’ knickers on earth, would any normal person be doing what I’m witnessing? Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Lack of Confidence
Feel the confidence. Feel it right in your bright red undies.
Dear Lack of Confidence,
I hope your day is going well. I’m just dropping you a line because I believe we have some long awaited issues to discuss, and it’s always easier to write it out, rather than talk about it over coffee, or a beer. Discussions such as this have the ability to suddenly turn into a public outburst of defensiveness and fear, which I’m sure you wouldn’t want on display.
I guess I should just get to the point of why I’m writing instead of hedging my words, I know how infuriating that can be – sorry, I’m doing it again. The reason I’m writing to you, Lack of Confidence, is that I know we’ve been part of each other’s lives for as long as we can both remember, but I feel I’m outgrowing you.
This is going to hurt, and I apologize, but you haven’t been the best friend over the last 35 years. Read the rest of this entry »
Diary Of A Scared Kid
Damn! The Little Mermaid is scary shit!
A while ago whilst driving through the outback on the way to a wedding, I passed a little hotel with a sign on the roof stating ‘Grey Nomads welcome’. Now, I can be a bit naive at times and my first reaction conjured up thoughts of bikers piling in at sunset to bathe in Jack Daniels and watch their skanks pole dance on the pool tables. ‘Shit, we must be in biker country,’ I said to my girlfriend while studying the road behind in the mirror. It wasn’t until my much smarter and streetwise girlfriend let me in on the secret that Grey Nomads were actually elderly people travelling around Australia in camper-vans making the most of their retirement, that I started to relax.
‘Are you scared of motorcycle gangs or something?’ she asked. ‘No’, I replied maybe a little too quickly. Read the rest of this entry »
One Man Salad Please, With Extra Balls.
Sneaky camouflage salad.
What is a Man Salad?
A man salad, according to one of my mates, is a salad you would be comfortable eating in front of a group of other blokes.
Sounds simple enough in this age of readily available moisturiser and brutes getting pedicures on their Bali holidays – on the insistence of their girlfriends of course – however a Man Salad is a difficult and slippery concept, and one that if executed wrongly will make you run screaming to the nearest pie shop in shame.
Where is that fine line between a salad that gets a laugh and condolences over the tragedy of your lunch, and one that looks good enough to get jealous stares and guilty glances at our own bloated beer-guts? Read the rest of this entry »
Real Men Don’t Read Harry Potter
Harry, your wand has obviously grown with age.
I went to see the latest Harry Potter the other week. I’ve seen them all. Right from when Daniel Radcliffe looked like a little half man, half boy, leprechaun, with a voice to match, right up until now where he looks … actually, the same I guess.
Before I anger the diehard fans out there and end up being accosted in the street with ‘arseaholeous’ spells being thrown in my direction, I must say, I really like the movies. Before watching the most recent film I went out and actually watched all of them over again. And by the end of it I actually thought for a moment I could perhaps be a wizard, until my girlfriend got over me pointing a chopstick at her and saying the word ‘clothesoffious’ with different inflections and force. Sadly I had to concede the whole notion was fantasy. Read the rest of this entry »
What’s Your Porn?
So earlier today I was thinking about porn.
It’s not what you think – although with that opening I can’t blame you for going there. I don’t mean the old school magazine kind that would get handed around between sweaty confused teenage boys. And not the triple X kind that’s so readily available online it’s a wonder that 99% of men the world over actually make it to work every day, rather than hiding away with the curtains drawn riding out waves of pleasure and guilt.
I’m talking about porn of another sort – Personal porn.
Personal porn is something that no matter what you’re doing or how busy you are, when you see it you just have to stop and stare, or indulge, as it were. Read the rest of this entry »
Google Maps is Messing With My Masculinity
It'll take your manhood.
I love technology. I’m just old enough to remember having to get off the couch and turn the channel changer around. My first record album actually was a record album – Wham actually… so, what of it? I didn’t have a mobile until I turned 25, and I still enjoy the comfort of a city directory under my arm when trying to navigate my way around.
So given the amazing advances we’ve seen in the last 10 to 15 years I still get all ‘ooh wow’ when I discover something that makes my life so much easier.
But, it can really screw you up sometimes.
Take Google maps for instance. Read the rest of this entry »
Cheap Beer and Pizza – Am I in Heaven?
A heavenly sight.
Is there cheap beer and pizza in heaven? You would think so. However I assume heaven would also be extremely pure, so maybe there’s only lentils and wheat grass juice on offer.
But, you don’t have to make a drastic life change such as that to find awesome cheap beer and pizza – you just have to go to Melbourne.
Recently I went to Melbourne for a week to attend a relative’s art exhibition. And I tell you, when it comes to finding a good deal for food and booze – I Was Blown … Away. Read the rest of this entry »
What Did You Travel To Your Formal In?
I'm going in a freakin tank man!
Around this time of year media outlets everywhere trudge out stories about how much teenagers (meaning parents) are splurging on their school formals.
One of the biggest expenses these days is trying to find a newer, or cooler, or wackier way to arrive. It seems half the fun of the actual night is watching the procession of vehicles dropping off fresh faced teens amping to celebrate the end of school.
It’ll be at least 3 months until they realise they shouldn’t have blown their savings on black market ADD medication during schoolies, and another 2 months until they develop a jaded skin thanks to the slavery of the hospitality industry and having to serve piss to bloated sleaze balls night after night. So live it up now I say. Read the rest of this entry »
Stay Classy Gentlemen: 5 Tips To Dress Like An Adult – Tip 2
Powderfinger would be bums without their jackets.
So I watched the Arias last night. Anyone who doesn’t know, the Arias are the Australian music awards. They’re like MTV awards, but with tall poppy syndrome rife in Australia everyone tries to come across totally laid back and chilled to the point one begins to wonder if the majority of Australian artists are half retarded.
Since I started this whole ‘stay classy gentlemen’ trip, I’ve been taking a lot more notice of what other dudes wear, and watching the Arias gave me a good chance to have a look at what the rock stars of Australia are into.
I’m sure if we had the confidence to strut around in rock star like clothes we all would. I know I would. Becoming a rock star would have to go down as my one of three wishes if I ever do find that genie.
However when it came time for Angus and Julia Stone to accept their award for album of the year, I sort of went WTF?? Read the rest of this entry »
Stay Classy Gentlemen: 5 Tips To Dress Like An Adult – Tip 1
Yeah, I wanna look like Sinatra.
I constantly get mistaken for someone about ten years younger than my actual age. I know to some this sounds like a stupid thing to worry about, but I tell you – it shits me big time.
It only just happened again yesterday. I met someone for the first time and we got chatting. I started talking of life and love etc, until he stopped me mid sentence and asked how old I was. When I told him he put on the usual amazed face and said he thought I was just out of uni and just some young dude in my early twenties. Then he made a joke about if I’d started shaving yet and if I still get asked for ID at the bottle’o.
It shits me. Read the rest of this entry »
Zombie Apocalypse Contingency Plan
Finally! I thought it would never happen.
The other day my city had its annual Zombie Walk, where about ten thousand peeps dressed as the undead and staggered through the streets. An awesome sight to say the least. I didn’t realise it had been planned and rounding a corner on the scoot to see hordes of blood spattered nurses, clowns, suits, and every other character you could think of freaked the hell out of me. It seemed like everyone had zombie training or something because, man, they were selling it big time. Zombie seems to be the new vampire of the freaky deaky monster costume world. Read the rest of this entry »
Mermaids Of The Outback.
Sheep. Yep, they’re the mermaids of the outback.
Yeah, that’s right, in the sexy New Zealand way. In a lure you into the deserted country road where some fucked up crazy killer will have his way, a la Wolf Creek kind of way.
I’m off to a wedding this weekend, so this is a roundabout line of saying I’ll be on hols for about a week, so I won’t be hitting the writin’ keys during that time. Instead I’ll be trying not to be mesmerised by the mermaids of the outback – sheep.
It’s a country wedding so it’s a cross-country traipse to see one of my best mates tie the knot and slurp as much booze at the reception as possible. And I swear, last time I had to drive through the outback it seemed every time we saw sheep, or someone simply said, ‘hey look sheep’, or I even took my eyes off the road for a second because something white and woolly caught my attention, we lost our way.
I think it’s because sheep are actually smarter than we think. For each lost outback traveler there is, I’ll bet a clan of sheep can be found responsible. Ivan Malat didn’t kill those backpackers – sheep did. And they’ll do it again if they get the chance. Obviously this originated in New Zealand. Where do you think the jokes came from? It’s because sheep did actually dress up as women once upon a time to lure unsuspecting travelers to their death. Bloodthirsty, intelligent, murderous, sexy, cross dressing sheep.
On this trip I’m keeping my eyes on the road. There’s no way I’m being tricked into stopping for a sheep holding a sign saying, ‘destination – your pants’…
again.
