Dear Lack of Confidence
Dear Lack of Confidence,
I hope your day is going well. I’m just dropping you a line because I believe we have some long awaited issues to discuss, and it’s always easier to write it out, rather than talk about it over coffee, or a beer. Discussions such as this have the ability to suddenly turn into a public outburst of defensiveness and fear, which I’m sure you wouldn’t want on display.
I guess I should just get to the point of why I’m writing instead of hedging my words, I know how infuriating that can be – sorry, I’m doing it again. The reason I’m writing to you, Lack of Confidence, is that I know we’ve been part of each other’s lives for as long as we can both remember, but I feel I’m outgrowing you.
This is going to hurt, and I apologize, but you haven’t been the best friend over the last 35 years. I know I used to talk to you all the time as a teenager, mostly asking, sometimes demanding, that you disappear so I could talk to girls with ease, or pay-out on mates with carefree abandonment, or flick my sun-bleached hair just right running out of the surf, and you made me believe you were on my side. But you always came charging back right at the moment you had promised to allow me some space.
You just don’t seem to understand that I need some time away from you. Any relationship needs a sense of individuality, and the sooner you realise that the better it will be for both of us. Even as an adult you seem to have not worked that out. You’re always there, Lack of Confidence, paralysing my arm when I’m not sure whether to shake hands or not, or scampering my stride after choosing to not say hello to someone I clearly recognise, or reflecting a boyish image when I feel like I’m playing make believe at being a grown up. It just gets too much! And I’m sorry for sounding bitter, but I’ve needed to tell you this for a long time.
I know it hasn’t been all bad, Lack of Confidence. I know the times you’ve allowed me to make my own decisions amazing moments have happened. On one of your holidays I found the love of my life and she, in turn, fell in love with me. On another I backed a removal truck through a maze of tiny lanes while my parents watched. On even another I managed to work out how to tip at a restaurant without whispering for advice. All of these without your help. But you keep shouldering your way back into my life just when I thought you had gotten the message.
Even yesterday I noticed when you slipped out for a moment. You were there when the snooty lady and her Pomeranian pushed in front of me at the grocers cue and I didn’t say anything, you weren’t there when I asked the girl to add up my total again because I knew it was wrong. It’s that instantaneous, Lack of Confidence.
I’ve began to wonder if we need some time apart. I feel a change is needed for us to continue our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to disappear from my life completely. A guy I know split up with his Lack of Confidence, and Arrogance moved straight in – to tell you the truth I think he and Arrogance had been banging on the side – but now he’s a complete douche bag. I know there’s that line we can’t cross, and I know you don’t want to cross it, so I’m not asking you to.
I’m just wondering, Lack of Confidence, if perhaps you need a hobby rather than wanting to spend every second with me. Perhaps go to the gym, or a meditation and wellness retreat in Bali like that crazy chick in the book – she found out how to eat, and pray, and love, so it obviously worked for her. I’m not comparing you to a screwed up 40 year old woman, Lack of Confidence, but sometimes you can be a little manic. If we get used to this now our reliance of your decisions will thankfully fade away like the memory of cigarettes, and cask wine, and mixed net-ball.
All I’m saying is I have quite a few major moments coming up in my life that will be easier if you weren’t there. Don’t worry, I’ll fill you in on the details later, like when I’m sitting on the toilet or something, so don’t think you’ll be left out of my life.
If we come to this agreement I’m confident we can work it out, Lack of Confidence. I’m confident that if we make this decision life will become more rewarding. You’d want that for us wouldn’t you? Of course you can come along for the ride, but you’ll have to get used to the feeling of not planning our destination.
If we’re able to come to an understanding I’m confident, Lack of Confidence, that our destination will be somewhere awesome.
Dear Self Confidence,
Hope your day is going fantastically. Just writing to you with the exciting news that I’ve finally told Lack of Confidence I need some space. If it all goes to our plan we should be together soon….
Written by Jake J. Fox
February 18, 2011 at 12:00 am
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