Spit and Spirits

Men Are Stupid

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I wanna be a caveman – they get to wear sexy dresses.

Men are stupid. Yeah, I’ve heard that sentiment before. And most of the time I’d have to agree. However in saying that, I don’t blame anyone for thinking it. Much of our behaviour can come across as childish in an I-like-to-hit-things-with-my-caveman-club kind of way.

Over the last week I’ve had two questions posed to me. The first being – ‘What is it with men and jets?’ and the second being – ‘What is it with men and ribs?’

The first question comes in context from my city’s River Fire Spectacular. In past years the fireworks display finished in a ‘dump and burn’ by an F1-11 fighter jet. Indeed, spectacular stuff. When that piece of death brining hunk o’ metal lit up the night sky with its orange afterburner I could feel my sperm growing stronger with each echo off the surrounding buildings.

Why do men like it? The answer is – it’s freakin loud. And to be in the pilot’s seat of one of those things seems like it would scare the absolute crap out of any parties who would be keen to put an end to our shaky hold on our kingdom. I know that sounds like an overtly masculine sensibility, however I’m sure every dude has had daydreams of figuratively riding into battle and saving the day of their damsel in distress or their family.

And these days riding into battle can take on differing scenarios. It could be earning a dick-load of money and the ability to shout an expensive bottle of champers while others are counting coins. It could be pumping iron and flexing a bicep as other drunken men try and pick up your girlfriend. Maybe even bragging about reaching the highest level on whatever RPG you’re invested in at the time to the girl behind the comic book counter.

The similarities between these notions are – they all make you feel like you can dominate. Dominate what to be exact? Everything really. And don’t get all uppity hearing the un-politically correct term ‘dominate’. Look at any animalistic hierarchy. Every male wants to dominate and protect over all other males. It’s just what happens. Well, except dolphins. They seem pretty cruisy with everything.

Experiencing loud man-made noises reminds us we’re capable of severe domination over the world. And no matter how ingrained with compassion you are or even if you were breastfed until you were 13, somehow it’s something men want. There’s differing scales of course, but it all comes from the same place.

That’s why no matter how sedate a man is, when a fighter-jet screams overhead dumping ten thousand bucks worth of fuel into the night sky he’ll be on his feet, arms in the air, crotch thrust and screaming, ‘Oh YEAH!’ Don’t ridicule or try and stop the flow. Just let him dream for a moment he has a broadsword at his side, a couple of loyal sons, and the need to protect his castle and family.

And the thing with the ribs? – It reminds us of feasting on dinosaur carcasses. Oh yeah, we ate them into extinction. And if they suddenly turn up and start procreating, we’ll do it again.

Written by Jake Fox

September 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

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